The Runting Knife: +1

RUNTING RECIPES

Last night, I kept my head down, stayed away from windows and other sharp objects, and made chili.

The best thing one can do when weathering a deadly storm, I feel, is to cook chili. This is truth from on high, etched into tablets ancient: "And lo, did Moses add chopped onion and it was good, and yea, for it was blowing a great tempest."

So, in this +1, I will share my recipe for

RUNTING KNIFE $15 CRUNCHY VEGETARIAN STORM SHELTER BEER BOTTLE CHILI

You will need these ingredients, weaklings:

1 bag morningstar farms fake-ass ground beef

1 medium white onion

1 bell pepper (color depends on your sense of aesthetic)

1 packet McWilliams Chili Spicemix (or, if you can find some Melange, all the better. Long live the fighters.)

1 bottle beer

1 can tomatoes, diced

1 can whole kernel corn

1 can sliced (or baby) carrots

1 can red beans

1 can kidney beans

1 can pinto beans

The $15 part of the recipe title is important, because, if you are poor like me, you can taste value. Only buy ingredients that are on sale and generically branded (Kroger brand, in my case).

It's vegetarian because I don't eat on flesh, but you can easily use the real stuff instead of the facsimile dress rehearsal beef that I do. It should be noted that the fake beef is better for you, and tastes pretty okay.

The beer can be your choice. If I am feeling ritzy (and I have some around) I will use IPA. If I am feeling malty, a porter. Or, like last night, if I am feeling too hungry to care, Busch Light.

To cook this up, essentially all you do is fry your (fake) beef a little in a skillet, then mix everything in a big pot over medium heat for about 20 minutes, adding salt and other spices to taste. Stir it alot. It feels like real cooking that way.

But, because I have a deluded sense of self-worth, I like to think the sequence in which I open then pour cans into things matters. I generally do it this way:

Beef in first

Kidney beans and Tomatoes (strain juices first, you get you moisture from your beer)

Spice Packet (I also like to add cinnamon, chili powder, and crushed red pepper at this point)

Beer In. Use about 3/5 a bottle. Drink rest.

Red Beans and Corn

Pinto Beans and Carrot

(Add more spices here)

Chopped Bell pepper

Chopped Onion

Adding the vegetables last affords the "crunchy" to the title of the recipe. If you like a sweeter, rather than spicy chili, skip the extra spices beyond the packet and just go for cinnamon and a dollop of peanut butter. Serve with tortilla chips and optional Cholula, sour cream, and shredded cheese. This should make enough to last two people about three days.

In addition to punishing my GI tract with manfood, I also took in these, which all felt stormy-weather appropriate: